Sunday, October 06, 2002

New-ness is cool and exciting!
But I have (way too often) confused novelty for "right-ness"
I've been searching for years for someone(s) or someplace to have serious conversations about "deep stuff." The problem is I can't just discuss really heavy things with strangers (and I'm slow to warm up anyway - it takes time for me to consider anyone as something more than a "stranger"). I've looked in lots of places trying to find the right kind of people to connect with and have serious conversations. Every time I find a place worth checking out, I automaticially starting thinking it's "THE MAGIC PLACE" because I mistake the novelty and new-ness for intergrity and depth.

After spending significant time in the "new place" I realize it's the same as everywhere else. People don't go beyond small talk, (or "correct talk"). They are shallow, dangerous, people who never had an original thought in their life! I don't want to have discussions with puppets who say what they think they ought to say and just recite the standard party lines. (I know the "correct" things to say and think - but I don't like them, don't believe them, and don't want them!) I want real thoughts and ideas with real people (or persons) who can't be shocked. People who dream and imagine. And I really want it now. I'm tired of searching.

I don't want to be let down again. I've met some people here in MN over the summer who might be real. Of course, what I want them to be, what I've imagined they could be, is most certainly way off. Things never happen according to the imaginary script in my head. BUT they've said some things, things that give me hope, things that suggest they might be open minded and able to do "big talk" about real things and ideas (i'm almost giddy at the thought!) I don't want to hope too much . . . I don't want it not to work out.