Sunday, October 20, 2002

11-10 joined the "other" service today.
I don't know why.

It was horrid.
I hated it.
It was everything I've been trying to avoid.
I sat there and stewed
(I should have just left - but I didn't want to draw attention to myself)

Last week was SO GOOD (clear logical thought, that happens to reflect MLE writing, honest open conversation, . . . it was just good stuff. I was ready to see . . . have . . be . . . watch . . . MORE OF THAT. I was SO excited to see what would happen today - Ready for more of the same. But instead, I sat, butt glued to a pew, trying not to get angry (I hate being angry) remembering all the things I hated about WVC - all the things I hate in general, the reasons I was never gonna go back (I'd forgotten a lot of that stuff - I don't like to feel it all over again)
I can't blame the guys for needing a week off - but I wished they would have just canceled it (and said "It's canceld") instead of trying to merge the two services together.

I feel like I was tricked into attending the big service.
I'm not happy.
Right now I don't even know if I want to go back.
I wanna throw things, and hit and yell for a while
Instead, I'm going to put on my happy smilely face and have Sunday Dinner with my whole lotta family in town this week - - I can already feel a "perma smile" headache coming on.

UPDATE I no longer feel the need to throw a general temper tantrum. Anger has been replaced with disapointment, but I'm not sure at what or to whom the disapointment is directed (I think it's me - although I doubt it matters).

I tell my kids they always (ALWAYS!) have a choice. I didn't like the options, but I did have a choice. I chose to stay. I could have gotten up and left once I recognized the "toxic environment", but I decided not to draw unwanted attnetion to myself. It's OK! If there's a next time, I can make a different decision (and because I stayed today, next time will be an informed choice!)

( - : There's nothing like quality journal time (and a good dinner!) to sort things out (that's also a MLE idea - you just gotta love that woman!) My relatives think I'm diligently working on my important school stuff! (I haven't cracked a book all day!) A graduate education is a nice excuse to be anti social ( - :